Nigel: (Assistant Director of Paste Comedy)


Nigel was born on a typical rainy Pacific Northwest summer day. From an early age, it was apparent that he had a penchant for listening very intently to the classical styling of the harpsichord. At roughly a quarter of a century old, Nigel has accomplished many things and found numerous ways to leave his mark on the world. At the age of seven, he became a master of space-time when he used a machine of his own invention to travel to the past and become his own father. While in junior high, Nigel won a fistfight with a honey badger at the local zoo, the force of the final blow actually causing the world famous Nisqually Earthquake of 2001. Because of this feat, the epicenter of the quake was named Anderson Island in his honor. On his eighteenth birthday, as a rite of passage into manhood, Nigel breached the walls of Skywalker Ranch, and managed to steal a single leaf off of one of the fig trees planted around the perimeter. He would have taken an entire branch, but had to make a hasty retreat, in order to avoid the battalion of OOM security battle droids that had been dispatched to his location. In his spare time, Nigel enjoys reading, often several books at once, whilst simultaneously sitting on another, thereby absorbing its contents via osmosis. He also has a predisposition towards playing video games. In fact, in another infamous time traveling episode, he convinced the heads at Atari to change the name of their first game from Super Hyper Table Tennis 1972 to the more simple moniker of Pong. Nigel also harbors an unhealthy obsession for anything and everything Star Wars, as should be evident from his aforementioned rite of passage.


Jason: (Kills Cats for Fun.)


If you are reading this please help us! No, seriously this isn’t a biography. It’s a cry for help. Jason has problems. Serious problems! I mean Nigel and I asked him to write a bio for the site and instead of making a big joke out of it like we did, he sent me the following: “My hands were forced upon the child’s throat since no makeup could ever cover my sores, crimes or scars. I didn’t choose to be the messiah, I didn’t choose to be driven by guilt, I didn’t choose wisely during the last crusade and I hate milk duds. Kevin is my friend but even he must see that I have changed for the better. I will reward him with a staph infection. Old balls are new with grey hair and the sagging of their loins. Who says ‘Gargamel killed the Smurfs?’ Alligator football ghost ranger nickelodeon gak.” After that he just wrote the words “Wonky Waldo Wastes Water” over 400 times, each time in a different font and size. I don’t know what we should do. He needs help but we’re terrified to be in the same room with him. Ever since he started huffing paint thinner he has been like a completely different person. The last time he “allowed” me to enter his apartment, I swear I smelt a dead body and he had hundreds of jars of mayonnaise stacked up to the ceiling. When I asked if he was okay he stood up, pulled down his pants, and pointed at a stick-on-tattoo of Pathro from Thunder Cats on the end of his penis. Then he started counting down from 842. I didn’t wait to see what he would do when he reached zero. If you have any ideas of how we can help Jason please send your suggestions to Nigel and myself here. Thank you and may God have mercy on Jason’s victims.


Patrick: (Founder/Director of Paste Comedy.)


Patrick was born on a pirate ship in the Red Sea in 1982 during the secret “Battle of the Pleidians” to knock Nibiru off of its doomsday path.  He has a small scar on his forehead from the battle, shaped like a thunder cloud, from where Lord Golomort struck him with his magic dagger.  After the battle Patrick and what was left of his family retired to the Pacific Northwest for what they hoped would be a life of solitude. It is here that Patrick had his greatest moments. His first battle with Satan or Jeff, as he is known only to Patrick, saw Patrick fighting his ways from the bowels of hell using only the power of telepathy. From that moment on Patrick devoted himself to defeating the devil with the power of music, but by the age of 13 he realized that in order to be a musical God he would have to join forces with the dark one. He continues to fight his satanic ways but credits his friendship with Jeff as the original inspiration for Paste and his union with the demons know as Nigel and Jason. Patrick is of English/Irish/German descent and has been described as “God-like” by nearly everyone he has come into contact with.  He practices Nerf Basketball 6 hours a day, is obsessed with eating Laffy Taffy and once killed a water buffalo with a toothpick.  Patrick owns over 4,000 patents including one for a hat made of chrome and a goose down pillow filled with chainsaw blades.  Patrick is also an audio engineer, video editor, web designer and an ancient Egyptian Pharaoh.  His hobbies include vampire hunting, touring as a secret member of the band Primus, eBay, and selling babies on the black market.  To learn more about the “Real” Patrick visit his website: PatrickThornsberry.com